How should you handle emotional abuse in marriage & relationships?
Emotional abuse in marriage is unfortunately more common than people would want to think and is also equally as challenging to decide just how to address it and with whom. Most times when two people get married for the first time they expect their partners to love on them and to allow them to make decisions that bring the greatest level of satisfaction to them. They both expect to be able to do whatever they want to do that will bring them the greatest level of enjoyment. Often times shortly after the wedding (and some times longer) one of the spouses will usually place demands to make most of the decisions in the marriage and begin to control and manipulate the other spouse who usually has more of a giving heart. Over time it begins to cause the spouse who is being controlled to feel less valued, dominated and no longer feel loved. The more demanding spouse wants even more control, will behave very proudly and talk more condescending with disrespect to their mate. Eventually the controlled spouse will feel sick to their stomachs frequently because of the consistent arguments (usually because after hundreds of arguments over the least little thing – they know what is coming…the tones, escalated voices, hatred.) Unfortunately being emotionally abused quickens the process of physical sickness, chronic illnesses, disease and can even cause early death after enduring significant emotional abuse year after year. If the victimized spouse is a Christian they will usually reach out to their local pastor / church / or books for help to try and save the marriage.
The reason most people struggle in their marriages is because of how they were wounded when they were younger. When we get hurt by our fathers, mothers, step parents, siblings, relatives, neighbors, friends, and people in general (including any time we have been affected sexually – touched, “play doctor”, molested, raped, viewed pornography) we will have thoughts that will remind us of those wounds and injustices that will cause us to have anger for those who hurt us. Thousands of times every day – up to 50-60,000 thoughts of which 80% are negative – according to the National Science Foundation study in 2005 – we will have thoughts come to our minds. We get thoughts from three places. Our own thoughts, thoughts from the enemy (demonic spirits) and thoughts from the Lord or Holy Spirit. Any thought that is brought to us which is based on a lie or will hurt us – usually comes from demons (whether you have asked Jesus into your heart or not). Our soul is comprised of our mind (thoughts), will (free wills to choose) and emotions. When our souls have been hurt when younger – we develop an alternate personality which is comprised of demons that cause us to trigger into a person we are not usually. Until we ask Jesus to come heal those wounds – we will continue to trigger and behave in anger, feel rejected, be easily jealous, have escalated tones and talk on and on for hours in angry, aggressive ways. That is why people can change from being a calm, loving person to an angry aggressive person. Some would call this passive / aggressive behavior and it could develop into what is called Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
So most people who reach out to their local pastor looking for counsel will usually never get to the underlying spiritual root of getting their past soul wounds healed and demons commanded gone from them because most pastors are not trained in understanding these deeper spiritual issues. If people have never dealt with a spouse who could possibly treat them so horribly they cannot imagine or understand the depths of the evil behavior. Usually these types of people will know how to act loving and turn on the charm in front of a counselor / pastor to win them over. Therefore most pastors will counsel a victimized spouse to love more, respect more, have more fruit of the spirit in their lives, give their spouse more sex, pray more, fast longer, pray in tongues, listen to Christian music more. Unfortunately you can never behaviorally change a person who is hearing voices from demons who have legal rights to continue to torment them. And the person who is the controlling spouse (Jezebel) love to go to pastors to counsel because they will over talk their victims so that they cannot be heard and will usually try to have side bar private conversations with the pastor to get them on their side to convince them that they are the good ones and their victims are the bad ones. They are master manipulators. Academy award winning actors or actresses.
The only effective way of dealing with them is to ask Jesus to come heal the wounds of their past (and they will hear Jesus give them a word about each significant trauma – or they will hear a word about a parent who had hurt them over and over again to help them be able to forgive them) and then they can command the demons who came to attach to those wounds to go to the pit in Jesus name and then they will feel more peace and not hear all the voices from the demons in their thoughts anymore. Jesus died on the cross for us to take His authority and cast out demons like He did.
So what should a person do when their spouse refuses to own their own issues? What do you do when your abusive spouse actually blames you and takes no responsibility for their own actions? When they continue to say and do things to hurt you every day and manipulate the scriptures to control you more. They might be able to be good for a day or a couple of days only to keep you from separating from them but then they eventually blow up on you once again over and over again. The demons in them are simply playing with you to try to think that “this time” they mean it and want to change while only pulling the rug from underneath you once again. They cannot stop the demons from speaking to them and are like puppets on strings obeying every command. This is a very common response by people who have been hurt deeply from their pasts as their inner voices and thoughts convince them that they are healthy and good and that their victimized spouse is wrong and bad. They are blinded by their pride, which is the spirit of Leviathan (Job 41), to the reality of seeing the truth of who they really are in the mirror. They have a personality that is deep, dark and evil that is completely different than what they reveal to most people in their every day interactions.
If you continue to allow yourself to be emotionally abused (constantly having to walk on eggshells around them, be put down, waiting for their condescending tone, escalated voice, angry undertone, talking on and on for hours, etc.) you will eventually feel the effects in your physical body and you will not be able to be effective in any callings that the Lord has for you. You will experience much exhaustion, feel like you are going crazy as you hear their negative demonic comments in their voice in your thoughts all day long, feel sick to your stomach, develop chronic illnesses, even disease and tumors, etc. I have seen some women who died by staying in an emotionally abusive situation with their husbands too long as they just wanted to die and stop hearing the constant verbal abuse.
The Lord does not want ANYONE to be controlled, manipulated and abused, period. I always encourage that the spouse who is being abused at least make every attempt to make their abusive spouses aware of the tie between their past soul wounds and need for deliverance through watching my Worldwide Freedom (Deliverance) Sessions on You Tube, Testimonies from others who have been healed and delivered, watching my Facebook LIVE teachings and You Tube Teachings, reading my Restored to Freedom book. Unfortunately most of the abusive spouses will never listen to anything that their loving spouse says to them. God gives us all time to repent, but if we refuse to own our own issues then the demons have legal right to continue to torment us and then they will turn to torment the victim spouse. We need to make sure that we choose to serve the Lord and not the demons in our spouse. God will confirm for you after you have tried everything to help your abusive spouse when it may be time to separate with the goal of reconciliation. We should always have the heart to reconcile – and we can when we can see our tormented abusive spouses through the eyes of Christ. But our abusive spouses have free will to choose to keep their demons and we have free will to choose to serve Jesus without their interference. Whoever decides to choose to get their soul wounds healed by Jesus and then command their demons to go will be free indeed. But those who choose to continue to deny they have any issues to own and choose to serve the demons tormenting them will do everything to try to stop their spouses from serving the Lord. Luke 12:49-56 explains how families will be divided – those who decide to choose to serve Christ will not be able to live in harmony with those who choose to serve the enemy.
Luke 12:49-56 New Living Translation (NLT)
Jesus Causes Division
49 “I have come to set the world on fire, and I wish it were already burning! 50 I have a terrible baptism of suffering ahead of me, and I am under a heavy burden until it is accomplished. 51 Do you think I have come to bring peace to the earth? No, I have come to divide people against each other! 52 From now on families will be split apart, three in favor of me, and two against—or two in favor and three against.
53 ‘Father will be divided against son
and son against father;
mother against daughter
and daughter against mother;
and mother-in-law against daughter-in-law
and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.’”
Typically, perpetrators of abuse do not walk out of their marriages – they want to stay in the relationship because they enjoy the power, prestige and control they obtain from them. Emotional domestic abuse is a pattern of conduct by one spouse which is designed to obtain and maintain power and control over the victim spouse. It always includes emotional and verbal abuse and may also include financial abuse, social abuse (often restricting the victim’s contact with family and friends), sexual abuse, physical violence, and spiritual abuse such as twisting scriptures to justify the abuse and telling their victims that they are their spiritual cover or have discernment. Abusers who never use physical violence (and there are many) are still very frightening and controlling to their victims. If they move forward with a separation, many of these abuses usually continue, with the added element of legal abuse.
The perpetration of domestic abuse effectively pushes away the other spouse and divides the marriage. The fact that many victims eventually leave abusive relationships testifies to this pushing away. Perpetrators usually protest that they want the marriage to continue, but their evil behavior conveys the exact opposite – it effectually pushes the victim spouse away.
1 Corinthians 7:15 New King James Version (NKJV)
15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace.”
When we apply 1 Corinthians 7:15 the key question is not “Who walked out?” but “Who caused the separation?” Would it be logical to say that David was the sinful rebellious one when he left Saul’s court? No, he left because of Saul’s abuse. David left, but Saul was the cause of his leaving. If we translate the word chorizo as “separate” we see this more clearly: if the unbeliever separates, let him separate. The unbeliever is doing the separating; the believer is commanded to let it be done. This tells the believing spouse (and the church) to allow the marriage to be over, because the unbeliever has destroyed the covenant. It permits the victim of abuse to move forward with separation and if the abusive spouse refuses to get deliverance then the Lord will confirm when it’s time to pursue a legal divorce. Let there be chorizo = let there be separation = let there be legal divorce, because the word chorizo means both separation and divorce.
So to conclude – always do what the Lord confirms to you. I know of many people who struggled with the spirit of Jezebel who chose to divorce their victim spouses as they themselves were operating in a sinful heart but chose not to get their soul wounds healed and delivered and continued to hear demonic thoughts and had sinful behavior and suffered through negative consequences. I also know of many people who separated from their controlling spouses in order to have peace and live without daily torment which eventually led to a divorce (often initiated by their abusive spouses) and then they were blessed as the Lord gave them favor in their lives and were able to walk in their true Christ callings. Yes God hates divorce, but He also hates abuse by people who are sent on assignment by the enemy to stop God’s people from accomplishing their assignments of the Lord.
Proverbs 6:16-19 New King James Version (NKJV)
16 These six things the Lord hates,
Yes, seven are an abomination to Him:
17 A proud look,
A lying tongue,
Hands that shed innocent blood,
18 A heart that devises wicked plans,
Feet that are swift in running to evil,
19 A false witness who speaks lies,
And one who sows discord among brethren.
The Lord will redeem all who have chosen to get their past soul wounds healed and deliverance, who have humbled themselves and repented for their past sins in order to serve Christ with pure hearts and minds. If everyone would choose to get delivered then we would not have to separate or divorce.