So what are the common behaviors that people who have endured rejection, control, manipulation and emotional pain from a father (or mother)? What would a person exhibit towards their spouse, children or others in the work place? Below is a list of some common traits and, if one is truly honest (and that is the key that the one reading this must be totally honest with themselves), they will probably identify with some or many of them.
The more of the pain that they have endured in their life from a father that was overly controlling, rejecting, and hurtful or a mother that was void of unconditional love the more of the behaviors they will exhibit. The more behavior traits that they exhibit the stronger the enemy spirit’s control of them will be and the harder it will be for them to admit they may have an underlying issue and the more challenging it will be for them to get free from the unhealthy control of the enemy.
There is a continuum and some may only exhibit a few of the behaviors, thus the spirit is not as strong upon them although it could still be present and active. If they exhibit many or most of these traits listed below in their lives then they most likely have the enemy spirit operating with a strong control over their mind in a very dominant way and will tend to be very difficult to become freed. It will be a real challenge to admit anything is impure or ungodly about themselves (and often times they will receive many conflicting and tormenting thoughts from the enemy throughout the day and exhibit a lot of fear and anxiety).
- They are usually charismatic in personality and very determined to get work and ministry projects completed no matter what stands in their way. They are natural born leaders that are driven to succeed and accomplish goals at all costs. If someone tries to steer them off course they will not be persuaded and will remove all obstacles from their path in order to complete the plan.
- Will see significant energy bursts yet also feel lethargic at times. When in solitude at the end of the day they feel exhausted and depressed due to all the tormenting thoughts from the enemy. Friends would view them as fun to be around as they are usually full of energy but once they are back home behind closed doors and alone they will feel tired and depleted when their restricted conscience (aka the true Holy Spirit) whispers to them the truth.
- Likes to be the center of attention and often times the life of the party – so when they come into a room full of people they love people to gravitate towards them and they are very much a people person and dynamic in personality and are very skilled at playing the emotions of anyone to get them to do what they want.
- Strong desire to be in control of everything (because of the feelings of rejection and control from their father thus the tendency is to replicate the same behavior with others). They want their way and they will do anything to manipulate to get it. Will do anything to be able to take control of situations every day, week, month, year and a lifetime which can be suffocating for their spouse and children or other victim.
- They endure a high level of fear, anxiety and restlessness and they typically do not sleep soundly through the night (can even suffer from nightmares) which they try to cover up as best they can around other people but cannot suppress around their spouse and/or children. Often fall asleep when trying to read the Word or listen to someone preaching or speaking about the Bible or spiritual things. They simply do not live a life of peace and those around them may like the energy, excitement and charisma that they offer but will often times need to get away from them in order to feel peace.
- They hear a voice inside their head that tells them things that cause them fear and anxiety. Often times the voice will cause them to hear things that are not pure, loving or sweet but instead they hear things that tell them to behave selfishly and controlling which cause division and strife between them and their spouse, children or co-workers and church members. This is the voice of the enemy and sometimes the person will know it is the enemy but often times will not be able to make the distinction between hearing the Holy Spirit and hearing the enemy. A constant state of torment is common.
- Very insecure in oneself (they will try to compensate by acting like they are self-assured and knowledgeable on everything) so they like to tell people things they have accomplished and may want to one up others stories of life making themselves look better and perfect in order to make them feel better about themselves but it is fairly simple to pick up on if you are around them much. Sometimes will lie about their father’s true behavior in order to act like they had a great father because the pain of revealing the truth of how they were hurt causes them even more pain.
- Often will make statements to guilt their victims in order to cause others to do what they want. Very manipulative and usually their victims can feel that something is definitely wrong and they are being controlled. Spouses will know this feeling as it will be commonly spoken to them on a regular basis many times over and over.
- Significant strife with their spouse that will typically be least in the morning but much more prevalent throughout the day and strongest in the evening. They will usually state that all the strife is their spouses’ fault when in reality it is because of the words they say that start the arguments and continues as they do not take responsibility for it because their view of reality is not accurate and they are behaving like their father / mother treated them.
- Talks incessantly and dominantly – usually a strong Type A personality and normally does not like to lose at any discussion or difference of opinion or even sporting event (can be very competitive). They will talk and dominate all conversations and it becomes tiring if you ever engage in a discussion with them as they can go on for hours and hours and you feel like you are in a lecture hall listening to the teacher and you are the student.
- Talks in much confusion especially if confronted with a question about something that they know they have lied about or want to keep hidden. One of their sly ways to slip away once confronted, is to try to confuse their victim by changing the subject multiple times in just a few minutes. Confusion keeps them “undiscovered” and unexposed. Therefore, it is impossible to converse in logic. If confronted in an email or text they could write for pages dealing with all sorts of other situations than the one you are confronting them with. The context would be so vague that no one would understand heads or tails what was just stated. If it is in conversation they would simply talk nonsense to confuse their victim, never responding to the initial question. In this situation, one has to repeat the question and ask them only to respond to that question but usually they never will.
- Fearful – they may act like they have faith in God but you simply cannot have faith while being in a constant state of fear. Very worried of people learning negative information about them and how they have behaved in the past or finding out their lies or failed relationships or multiple failed marriages – very suspicious of others honest intentions. Always looking over their shoulder. Those that know them can often feel the fear and anxiety because it is so evident.
- Dominates relationships – women will usually come across as a drill sergeant and masculine to their husbands instead of soft, loving or supportive and their husbands will feel emasculated and be forced to abdicate all God desired leadership of the family. Hopelessness is evident in them as each week and month that goes by brings more defeat. Men that are afflicted by this controlling spirit will so dominate their spouse that you can see the look of defeat and deep sadness on their wive’s faces and they feel like barely functioning zombies usually suffering from depression and other physical pains and diseases that never get healed and can bring on early death.
- Always believing their way is right and thus they will often get in a tug of war with their spouse over many minuscule decisions. They want to get their way so much that their spouse will commonly just let them win over and over as it minimizes on power struggles or strife and arguing that could last for hours.
- Unhealthy jealousy due to insecurity – do not want their spouse talking to someone of the opposite sex or mentioning someone of the opposite sex in conversation to them or if their spouse was married previously to even talk about them at all in a positive light. Very suspicious and may say that their spouse is having an improper relationship with someone when there is nothing unhealthy or wrong about their spouse’s opposite sex relationships at all. Thus they manipulate their spouse into having no opposite sex relationships at all.
- Will eventually come against their spouse especially if the spouse has a strong desire for ministry to try to limit them or even shut them down from operating in the Lord’s gifting – perhaps saying that they need to “concentrate on their marriage” issues with them instead of doing what the Lord has called them to do. Or may tell their spouse that “you should not be giving words from the Lord to people of the opposite sex because it is not right.”
- If they are a woman they may touch the arms or shoulders of a man often that they are talking to as they try to subtly “seduce” him with her “femininity” so he will be on their side if they ever need him in the future to side with her or they can manipulate them to do what they want to accomplish. Most men are easy to be played. Some women are genuinely loving in that way so it is important to discern what is healthy and what is over the top.
- Desire to know every detail and piece of unknown information possible so they can control the outcome of a situation and get what they want. Commonly try to find out inside information about people so they can leverage it to their benefit later as they are very adept at manipulation.
- Constantly trying to connect with people of position and power to leverage themselves into a stronger position. Usually will try to develop a good relationship with the senior pastor of a church/ministry or others close to the top leadership such as the pastor’s daughter or son that have decision making power or can influence someone that does so that they can wield control over others or their hapless spouse in the future.
- Gift giving – used as a form of manipulation which makes you feel obligated to him/her. Women will often give gifts more than men that are afflicted. Many will give jewelry or other items that they know other women would want in order to “buy” their allegiance in the future.
- Hides information so they are always one step ahead of others. Secretive and protective to know more than others. May look at spouse’s or others phones to try to read private texts or emails in order to know what is being communicated as their spouse may reach out for true help or support from others and they want to know what is going on at all times. Often times will lie to their spouses in order to get them to stop communicating with other counselors or healthy support of people to control them by making up things about them in order to get them to no longer talk with them.
- Manipulative over others (especially spouses) – often times very obvious but sometimes very subtly and hard to perceive. They will never give up as they are tenacious at getting what they want and will wear you down until you give up and give them what they want. They will do this when having discussions with people.
- Lies very convincingly so that others do not perceive although their spouse can usually tell (very good at acting nice and sweet to others while behaving poorly to their spouse and/or children as they can flip a switch any time it will benefit them). Most people do not want to believe that they are being lied to which makes it even easier for their lies to proliferate. Women can play the victim role very well as most men will fall for their lying words as they can act so innocent and in need of a Prince Charming to help protect them. Extremely good actresses and actors – Academy Award level.
- Speak very hurtful words to provoke their victims which will start an argument and then later blame their victims for the strife. Also vengeful if anyone comes against them and exposes their behavior or lies. No one will be more vindictive and looking for payback if you stand in their way and try to expose their evil deeds.
- Is insubordinate and manipulative – especially if they are a wife married to their husband – saying things like “we need to be one in spirit in this decision” which actually means “you need to do what I want or else you will not have peace with me.” Is really impossible to be on the same page with on most any significant decision as they will want their own way constantly and will usually not be the same decision as their spouse would make.
- Spiritualizes everything and will often know Bible scriptures very well so they can twist them to their own way of controlling their spouse or others. “The Bible says you are to provide a spiritual cover over me” which they twist so that you “do not tell anyone about my extreme control and abuse of you – keep it a secret and protect me so I can continue with my abuse of you.” Masters at manipulating scriptures to their advantage causing spouses to feel hopeless.
- Uses information known only by him/her to their advantage as leverage for power and more control. Often times will talk on the phone to various people or counselors and not allow their spouse or others to hear what they are saying because they are lying in order to gain support from the counselors. May turn on a fan in their room when they are talking so their spouse cannot hear the lies that they are speaking or lock themselves in a closet or walk out to a garage or down the street out of earshot.
- Very critical and judgmental of others and self-righteous of own behavior. Think that their way of doing things is perfect and everyone else in the world is wrong or sinful. Thinks and behaves much like a modern day Pharisee. Will often brag about their frequent fasts in order to make themselves look good and pious.
- Hears the voice of the enemy often which drives them to do things that are not Godly, loving or honorable. Thinks at times they are hearing from the Lord when it is the enemy’s voice. At times they do hear from the Lord but it is a constant battle for their mind between the enemy and the Lord and more often than not they are hearing the voice of the enemy.
- Ignores people that are not considered valuable to them at church or in public. If they serve no purpose to them in giving them more power then why spend any time befriending them or spending any time with them. May have cliques at church/ministry that they congregate to and do not truly love all people like Christ has called them to. Will not usually partner with a person that is stronger spiritually than them as they want to be able to control everyone.