Below I am reprinting Chapter One of my book Restored To Freedom, which has been helping thousands of people around the world to get complete freedom from deep father (and mother) wounds which later in life develop into the Jezebel and Leviathan spirits causing much control, manipulation, pride and twisting of the truth resulting in broken relationships, emotional and physical pains that result in a lifetime of torment, fear and lack of peace and coming into the fullness of all that God intended.
In The Beginning
Think about it….billions of people have come and gone in this world. Some have been fortunate and enjoyed a life full of love, peace and prosperity…..but many have experienced a life full of emptiness, strife, fear, hopelessness, anger and depression. It all starts after they are born into a family with their father and mother. Let’s say that when they grew up their father was not around much because he was working a lot. Or when he was home he didn’t spend much, if any, time with his children or was the authoritarian with rules and restrictions and behaved very “rough around the edges.” He could of been very “religious” without showing unconditional love. Therefore his children never felt very close to him because he was just not involved much in their lives or if he was there he showed little to no true gentleness and unconditional love. He might have been there physically but not emotionally. Perhaps at times he would say things that hurt his children and caused them to not feel loved or even safe around him. Maybe he was more controlling and judgmental than he should have been and did not let them make their own decisions in order to learn from their mistakes. The father may have criticized them constantly which caused them to be unsure of making simple decisions the rest of their lives for fear of his words of correction and wanting his approval. Perhaps he did not want to spend much time around them because he was selfish and this caused his children to suffer feelings of rejection and hurt. What happened to their hearts? Did they feel sad, afraid, and not safe from the man that should have been their protector? They were not able to share their own feelings in their heart, fears or dreams because he would shut them down thus causing their hearts to feel like a knife had just been shoved into it over and over again. He might have ignored, laughed at, or mocked them showing contempt, belittling them or worse – yelled and berated them. They were never good enough and never felt loved because they always had to perform perfectly in his eyes just to receive a little bit of attention trying to “earn the love” of their father.
So why did the father treat them like this? Probably because the father’s own father did not truly know how to love, but was harsh, with strict rules and perhaps treated them with verbal and physical abuse. Or perhaps he did not even have a father when he grew up. So it becomes a vicious cycle of pain and hurt being passed on from generation to generation through the blood lines that if never broken will continue to wreak havoc in all the lives of their descendants. Sadly family dysfunction has become representative of our world today.
A young girl or boy who grows up with a father who exhibits some of the behaviors (starting on the next page), will usually be affected negatively, often times for a lifetime, if they never receive healing and restoration in their hearts. The more of the wounding behaviors that one had to endure the stronger the enemy will afflict and hurt them. This will cause them to behave more harshly and hurtful towards others, especially to their own spouse and children and possibly co-workers and church members. Many of these victims cannot see what they are doing to push others away from them with their behavior. Many will suffer greatly and have much pain in their hearts that is so deep and agonizing that they never recover throughout their lifetime and die early deaths full of depression, sadness and despair. Keep in mind there is a continuum of affect that occurs when a father causes their child pain over their youth and formative years. If the father was simply not present much, rather than being extremely abusive, then the child’s pain will be in direct proportion and the effects of the enemy on them will be as well. The greater the pain, the greater the negative impact upon them. If they were brought up later by a step-father that was nice to them they often still suffer from the lack of love from their original earthly father the initial years of their life and thereafter. Their heart was never healed from the original pain of their biological father’s lack of presence.
Wounding Father Behaviors:
- The father was not present because either he was working all the time or emotionally not connected – may have left their mother for a time or permanently – bringing on strong feelings of rejection from the child as they may have blamed themselves for the father leaving.
- The child could never quite be good enough so desperately sought to earn the love of their father. The child had to perform for them perfectly as much as they were able just to receive a little encouragement, if any.
- Their father behaved more selfishly than selflessly. Although he may have portrayed himself as loving and altruistic to others outside of the family so he would look good to his friends or the community. Behind closed doors they were harsh and controlling which caused their children to recognize them as an impostor causing them tremendous resentment of their hypocritical father.
- The father did not show unconditional love very often if ever – if the child did something they did not like, they let their child know about it and possibly made them apologize several times over many months or possibly years – never truly forgiving them and forgetting. They may have reminded the child over and over again later in life never letting them forget of their “failures” in his controlling eyes causing the child to feel tremendous condemnation.
- His parenting style was harsh, strict and rules-based – not truly caring, loving, gentle, kind or forgiving.
- Their father was very controlling and did not allow their child to make mistakes without strong correction – may have berated the child multiple times if they did something they didn’t like. The child may have had to “walk on eggshells” around their father and or mother.
- At times the child may have felt like they were living in a military compound as they had to do exactly what they were told without questioning why and felt completely unloved. “Children should be seen and not heard” mentality and if the father made a mistake in discipline he would rarely apologize or never admit it.
- What the child did was never considered good enough and they received little or no encouragement and almost no words of affirmation were given. The child was basically starving for just a little attention with unconditional love and approval. So the child would strive desperately for attention whether good or bad.
- In some cases….the father (and possibly mother) really never wanted their child and rejected them over and over and were verbally abusive. The child could have been rejected in the womb from the very beginning which caused deep pain from before birth. Perhaps the parents did not have much money when they got pregnant with their child or they might have had another child shortly prior to the latest birth or they wanted a boy instead of a girl or vice versa.
- At the most extreme spectrum the child could have been emotionally abused (yelling, screaming, berating, extreme control) or physically/sexually abused in the very worst cases. The parent(s) completely fractured the child’s self-esteem and ability to function.
- The child’s mother could have contributed to the lack of love due to how she was raised accepting it as the norm in her life to be abused by her own father or she felt helpless to stop the abuse because she could have suffered abuse by the child’s father had she spoken up.
- As a double whammy, the child’s mother could have treated them harshly and controlling without love due to not being loved from her own father. The result is more pain on top of the lack of love and rejection from their father, essentially increasing their broken heart and creating more pain, pent-up anger and resentment.
Do the above behaviors remind you of your family situation growing up? If so, you are not alone. This is much more common than many know because the child will typically keep it as a secret in hopes that their parent(s) will one day change and ask for their forgiveness for treating them so harshly and love them just a little bit unconditionally. The child is so desperate to be loved that they will endure anything in hopes of getting a “love you” word from their parent(s), even if they know that their actions do not line up with their words.
If you experienced several of these behaviors growing up then the enemy could have gained access to you through your wounded heart, through no fault of your own, because of the painful circumstances you were forced to endure. Unfortunately the enemy is legally permitted to attach himself to the child due to the tremendous pain, anger and bitterness that developed throughout childhood. This is critical to understand because when anger and bitterness take hold in one’s life it opens up the door to allow the enemy to walk in and literally take residence. Seven or more of these wounding behaviors could have developed a stronghold of enemy territory that could cause a lifetime of strife with opposite sex close relationships, your spouse and children. If you experienced most of the above mentioned wounds in your youth, you could have developed major pain that if not dealt with through forgiveness and deliverance would cause you to live in significant pain emotionally, spiritually and physically. You may suffer from fear, anxiety, rejection, anger, depression and hopelessness for a lifetime that if not processed and healed by Jesus would lead to torment and devastation. I am truly sorry for all those that have gone through such a painful and unbearable life experience and wish that you never had to endure such trauma.
Women are affected at a higher rate than men when suffering under the above scenarios. If 100 people had been afflicted by the enemy through wounding behaviors of their fathers, you would typically see about 85 women and 15 men that would later develop enemy control. Why? A daughter’s heart was made to be treated more tenderly and treasured – to be handled gently with care. A son’s heart was designed to be able to withstand more challenging circumstances but, nevertheless, if a father is too overbearing, harsh and abusive then a boy’s heart will be hurt just the same and cause major challenges later in life with his relationships. Men were designed by God to protect and provide for their families while women were created to nurture and comfort. When this does not occur, children grow up with tremendous pain in their hearts, minds, and spirits which makes them feel as if they have been stabbed over and over in their hearts and are emotionally bleeding inside until the time they are healed and set free.