I will start by premising this blog by stating that if you are trying to resolve a conflict with a person who has not been healed of their soul wounds and delivered from their demons then you will simply frustrate yourself because the other party will usually not be able to rationally discuss much of anything and cause the point of contention to not be addressed while they take you around in circles. They will often manifest into anger and accusatory tones and blame you for not agreeing with them. Thus it is impossible to resolve conflict in a healthy way with anyone who is not healed from their past wounds and delivered from demons (which is most all people in the world and many in church). Sorry to have to make that disclaimer but it is the truth. People who largely hear demonic thoughts in their minds (most all people) will have personal agendas, selfish motives and ungodly intentions of their hearts and not play by healthy rules. They have been used to escalating themselves in anger and talking on and on in order to wear people down to give them what they demand. Most people learn over time to simply keep themselves away from these toxic people as much as they can so they can stay in peace. It is not easy when you are married to them, they are your parent or child or you have to report to them in a job. You simply do your best to negotiate with them but usually you must walk on eggshells around them which is never healthy and give in to their unhealthy demands to try to have any semblance of peace.
So for those who are healthier or more spiritually mature in the Lord, with fruit of the spirit as evidence (largely have grown up with more loving parents and not had as many sexual violations done to them) what are the healthiest ways to resolve personal conflict?
- Pray together initially before you start the discussion to resolve the conflict to allow the Holy Spirit to lead the discussion to resolve and recognize that the enemy (aka demonic spirits) is the real enemy in a relationship and not each other. Satan wants you to look at each other as the enemy and you need to understand that.
- Talking calmly in love without tones or escalating voices or accusatory statements.
- Allowing one person to share how the point of contention causes them to feel while the other person listens and then allowing the other person to share how they feel while the other person listens. Use statements like “I feel…”
- Keep things factual and always speak in love towards each other. If one person misremembers the actual facts then try to talk through what the facts actually are or were and then come to an agreement. Many people who struggle to remember the details correctly often struggle from the enemy blocking them either admitting the truth or causing confusion (ie Leviathan).
- If a person starts to take an offense and feels themselves becoming uncomfortable about the discussion then it is often best to put the issue on the shelf and agree to talk about it later when both parties are calm. Do not talk about any conflict right before you go to sleep because the enemy often will cause one person to provoke the other in order to ruin both people’s sleep.
- If you cannot come to a mutual agreement on the conflict you both may need to decide to simply disagree while keeping the relationship in-tact. Also both parties praying into the conflict and truly wanting God to help them resolve it will often hear from the Lord later who can help the party that is more in the wrong to understand why the other party’s desires would be a better decision or solution.
- Understand that the enemy is USUALLY behind most flare-ups, disagreements and conflict and when you are able to look at each other in a loving way, truly wanting to resolve and willing to sacrifice your wants or desires for the betterment of the relationship then you can stay calm and love one another.
- If you are not able to come to an agreement and the conflict is escalating then pursue a wise third-party (ideally who understands spiritual warfare or deliverance)
Inner healing and deliverance is the number one method of helping people to reduce their conflicts on a daily basis. Choosing to forgive the people in our past who hurt us, repenting for our pride and sin and commanding the demonic spirits to be gone from our soul changes people to being more Christlike and having true fruit of the spirit.